Sex, Intimacy & WTF Is Happening to My Libido?

Perimenopause can impact your sex drive, arousal, and intimacy, sometimes in confusing and frustrating ways. Learn what’s normal, what helps, and how to talk about it without shame.

“I Love My Partner… But I’d Rather Nap”

You used to want sex, or at least not mind it. Now? You’d rather deep-clean the fridge. You love your partner. You’re attracted to them. But the wanting part? The craving, the heat, the let’s rip each other’s clothes off vibe? Gone.

And it’s not just libido. Maybe it’s:

• Pain or dryness

• No orgasm, or harder to get there

• Brain fog in the middle of trying to focus

• Resentment for even being touched some days

• 
  

You’re not broken. You’re not alone. You’re likely deep in perimenopause, and no one gave you the memo on what it does to sex.

Your Hormones Aren’t Broken - They’re Shifting

Sexual desire is driven by a complex orchestra of hormones, nervous system responses, emotional safety, and body comfort.

In perimenopause, the big players in that orchestra start to… misbehave.

Estrogen

Declines in estrogen can cause:

• Vaginal dryness and thinning (atrophy)

• Increased risk of irritation or tearing during sex

• Reduced blood flow = less arousal

• More UTIs and post-sex burning

Testosterone

Women have testosterone too, and it fuels libido, sexual fantasy, and physical arousal. In perimenopause, testosterone drops more significantly than estrogen for many women.

Progesterone

With lower progesterone, your mood and sleep tank, which means you're exhausted, overstimulated, and just… not in the mood. At all.

“Why Do I Feel Disconnected… Even When I’m Loved?”

There’s also a psychological and emotional side to all of this that doesn’t get enough airtime.

You might feel:

• Touched out from parenting

• Hyperstimulated from work/kids/noise

• Emotionally dry, resentful, or unheard

• Disconnected from your own body

• Unsure if you even want to want it

  
  

This isn’t about not loving your partner or “letting yourself go.”This is about feeling like your body and mind aren’t syncing anymore, and nobody talks about that part.

Mental Load = Libido Kryptonite

Let’s be blunt: if you’re thinking about lunchboxes, bills, pelvic pain, and work emails while your partner is initiating sex, you’re not the problem. The system is the problem.

The emotional labour women carry, especially in midlife, is a known libido suppressant. Add hormonal chaos to the mix, and you’re lucky if you remember the last time you even felt desire.

What Actually Helps (Without Faking It)

Let’s ditch the toxic “just do it anyway” advice. You deserve real strategies rooted in compassion and science.

1. Use Lube. Use Lube. Use Lube.

Dryness is not a personal failure. It’s estrogen. Use a clean, water-based or silicone lube every time. Consider vaginal moisturisers or local estrogen creams (ask your GP, they’re low-risk and often life-changing).

2. Testosterone Therapy (Yes, It’s an Option)

Available via prescription in Australia. It’s not about turning you into a teenager; it’s about restoring what was lost.

3. Pelvic Floor Therapy

Tension, trauma, or weakness in the pelvic floor can make sex painful or numbing. Seeing a pelvic physio is an investment in your pleasure.

4. Date Your Nervous System First

If you’re constantly in fight-or-flight, you can’t access arousal. Try:

• Deep breathing

• Body brushing

• Dancing, self-massage, even a warm bath before intimacy

• Let your body feel safe first

  
  

5. Therapy or Sex Therapy

Especially if you have past trauma, postpartum body changes, or emotional disconnection that’s clouding desire. There is zero shame in needing help to reconnect.

Pleasure ≠ Performance

You don’t need to want sex just to tick a box. You don’t need to orgasm to be “successful.” You don’t need to go back to how it was, because this version of you? She’s wiser, deeper, and more deserving of a soulful, not performative connection.

Desire might not be spontaneous anymore, but it can still exist. It might come from emotional closeness, sensual touch, or slow, intentional time together. It might come from exploring yourself on your own, first.

Your sexuality doesn’t disappear, it just evolves.

What If You’re Single?

Midlife sex isn’t just a partnered conversation.

Whether you’re dating, divorced, or just figuring it all out solo:

• You deserve pleasure and connection (even with yourself)

• You can explore with zero guilt or “expiry date”

• You get to decide what intimacy means to you now, not what it used to be

  
  

Talking to Your Partner (Even When You Don’t Know What to Say)

If you’re partnered, honesty is your lifeline. Try:

“I love you, but I’m in a body I don’t fully understand right now. I want us to find new ways to connect, even if sex looks different for a while.”

Or: “It’s not about you, it’s about what my hormones are doing. I need gentleness, patience, and some space while I figure this out.”

Real intimacy is built in these awkward-but-honest conversations, not in silent resentment.

Final Word: You Are Not Broken

You’re not less desirable. You’re not failing at being a woman. You’re not “too old” for intimacy.

You’re in a phase of radical change - and with support, awareness, and a willingness to re-learn your body, sex can become more soulful, more connected, and way more real than ever before.

Join the Knew You Society to learn more, share your experience, and find your strength in community.

References & Further Reading:

• Newson Health Menopause Society – www.newsonhealth.co.uk

• Jean Hailes for Women’s Health – www.jeanhailes.org.au

• Office on Women’s Health (US) – www.womenshealth.gov

• North American Menopause Society (NAMS) – www.menopause.org

• “Sexual Health in Midlife Women” – Journal of Women’s Health, 2022

• Menopause.org.au – Australasian Menopause Society